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李清照诗词英译:“许译”与“程译”比较点评(4)
作者:程家惠  发布日期:2022-09-14 19:18:01  浏览次数:79
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            (32)孤雁儿

            世人作梅词, 下笔便俗;予试作一篇, 乃知前言不妄耳。

            藤床纸帐朝眠起, 说不尽无佳思。

            沉香烟断玉炉寒, 伴我情怀如水。

            笛声三弄, 梅心惊破, 多少春情意!

            小风疏雨萧萧地, 又催下千行泪。

            吹箫人去玉楼空, 肠断与谁同倚?

            一枝折得, 人间天上, 没个人堪寄!

“程译”:

    Tune of Guyaner(孤雁儿): Ci For Plum Blossoms

    People writing poems for plum blossoms are vulgar in words. I have written one, knowing what I've just said is right.

    Waking up from the rattan bed with silk tent at dawn early,

    I have endless yearnings and melancholy.

    Incense burns out, censer getting chilly;

    Like water, I feel gloomy and lonely.

    Open the hearts of flowers the flute melodies for parting blow,

    Arousing my infinite grief and solitude only spring does know!

    Drizzles whistle and patter, triggering again lines of tears of woe;

    Forever gone is the flutist, leaving the jade bower deserted so.

    Heart broken, this desolate moment with whom can I share?

    I have picked one plum blossom so fair,

    But in heaven or on earth no one can I send and no one would care!  

比较点评: 

与前面第十四首词的译文一样,“许译”的“Woke up at dawn on cane-seat couch with silken screen, How can I tell my endless sorrow keen?”中的“Woke”显然是一种语法错误,动词的过去式不可用作状语分词,应改为“Waking”;对于“(梅花)三弄”这首曲名,两种译文都没有直译,主要是考虑其英译太长,影响译文的简洁; “许译”的“A grizzling wind and drizzling rain Call forth streams of tears again.”很精彩,“程译”的“Drizzles whistle and patter, triggering again lines of tears of woe; Forever gone is the flutist, leaving the jade bower deserted so. ”也可圈可点。

              (33)诉衷情

            夜来沉醉卸妆迟, 梅萼插残枝。

            酒醒熏破春睡, 梦远不成归。

            人悄悄, 月依依, 翠帘垂。

            更捻残蕊, 更捻余香, 更得些时。

“程译”:

          Tune of Suzhongqing(诉衷情): At Night

        Heavily drunk at night, still with my makeup I fell asleep unaware;

        With only some calyces left on the twigs in my hair.

        My tipsiness has gone somewhere;

        I’m awakened by the aroma of the plum blossoms in the air,

        Unable to go back in my dream to my distant home deep in heart.

        All quiet, the green curtain droops, moon reluctant to part;

        I kill time, by creasing the fallen petals with my fingers,

        And rubbing them to smell the fragrance that still lingers.

比较点评:

“许译”的“undressed”与原文的“卸妆”相距甚大,甚至还会造成“裸露”的误读。用“feel wine no more”来诠释“酒醒”,不符合英文的表达。另外的“flowers'scent”,应为“flowers' scent”。还有“I rub dried flowers”和“With sweetened fingers”都有词不达意之嫌。另外,从整首词译的形美上看,译文的呈现上长下段,失去了匀称美;对于“人悄悄”,“许译”为“Silent I grow”,“程译”为“All quiet”。也许“程译”更能体现当时的意境。

              (34)清平乐

            年年雪里, 常插梅花醉。

            挼尽梅花无好意, 赢得满衣清泪。

            今年海角天涯, 萧萧两鬓生华。

            看取晚来风急, 故应难看梅花。

“程译”:

        Tune of Qingpingyue(清平乐): Plum Blossoms

        Every year when we had snow showers,

        I used to get lost in appreciating plum flowers.  

        Still not in mood though holding them all,

        I find onto the whole dress my tears fall.

         

        This year I'm wandering from home far away,

        The sparse hairs on my temple have turned gray.  

        Behold! The night alights and the winds roar,

        So no one can see plum blossoms any more.  

        比较点评:

对于“插梅”可以理解为:插梅花,也可以理解为:插梅赏梅。“许译”的处理是“with a twig of mume blossoms in my hair”,“程译”的处理是“appreciating plum flowers”。“许译”具体细腻形象生动,而“程译”偏向模糊,显然“许译”为佳;但就“挼尽”,“满衣清泪”和“萧萧”的翻译,“程译”更贴近原意。

              (35)满庭芳

            小阁藏春, 闲窗锁昼, 画堂无限深幽。

            篆香烧尽, 日影下帘钩。

            手种江梅更好, 又何必临水登楼?

            无人到, 寂寥浑似何逊在扬州。

            从来知韵胜, 难堪雨藉, 不耐风揉。

            更那堪横笛吹动浓愁!

            莫恨香消雪减, 须信道扫迹情留。

            难言处, 良宵淡月, 疏影尚风流。

“程译”:

        Tune of Mantingfang(满庭芳): Withering Plum Blossoms

        Idle window locking outside the daylight ,

        For itself my attic keeps the spring bright,  

        Painting hall very deep and quiet without you in sight.  

        Incense burned out, the sun shadow falls on the curtain hook;

        Much better the plum blossoms we' ve grown look.

        Why bother ourselves to ascend the tower by the river?

        No one comes, and as lonely as He Xun in Yangzhou in his days I feel.

        Always so elegant and beautiful, the blossoms' re too tender,

        To stand the chilly wind and cold rain, a cruel ordeal.

        Let alone the flute song Plum Flower Falls stirring up my woe!

        Hate not the incense fading and the flowers falling like snow,

        But believe that when they disappear, away their love will not go.

        With no one to tell my misery and plight,

        How I wish to have the faint moonlight,

        Highlighting their graceful shadows in a good night.

比较点评:

总体感觉是,“许译”的表达简短,情感强烈,音韵丰富,感染力较强。其中,比较耐人寻味的佳译有:“My painted hall is drowned in deep, deep gloom.”、“From the long flute deep sorrow flow?Do not regret your fragrance melts like snow!”和“Your graceful shadow steeped in silvery light?”等;“程译”的“Let alone the flute song Plum Flower Falls stirring up my woe! Hate not the incense fading and the flowers falling like snow,”和“How I wish to have the faint moonlight, Highlighting their graceful shadows in a good night.”也颇有玩味。

              (36)玉楼春

            红酥肯放琼苞碎?探着南枝开遍未?

            不知酝藉几多香?但见包藏无限意。

            道人憔悴春窗底, 闷损栏杆愁不倚。

            要来小酌便来休, 未必明朝风不起。

“程译”:

          Tune of Yulouchun(玉楼春): Red Plum Blossoms

        Will the red fresh plum blossoms let their jade buds burst?

        I try to see if all the south-sided ones have bloomed first.

        I don't know how much fragrance they hold,  

        But I see the infinite love they enfold.

        Languid and haggard at the window bathed in spring some one waits,

        Not in the mood to lean on the handrails with so many loves and hates.

        Come if you like to drink with me to the flowers;

        Who knows if winds will blow tomorrow with showers?

比较点评: 

“红酥肯放琼苞碎”里的“碎”,“许译”为“unfold”,“程译”为“burst”,都各有玩味。在简洁上,在用词上和音韵上,许老的整首诗译堪称精品,译文里的“unfold”、“enfold”、“embower”、“languish”、“laden”和“spoil”等几个动词都恰到好处,耐人寻味。“程译”的“Languid and haggard at the window bathed in spring some one waits, Not in the mood to lean on the handrails with so many loves and hates.”和“Come if you like to drink with me to the flowers; Who knows if winds will blow tomorrow with showers?”也不乏灵气。

            (37)多丽

小楼寒, 夜长帘幕低垂。恨萧萧、无情风雨, 夜来揉损琼肌。也不似、贵妃醉脸, 也不似、孙寿愁眉。韩令偷香, 徐娘傅粉, 莫将比拟未新奇。细看取、屈平陶令, 风韵正相宜。微风起, 清芬酝藉, 不减酴醿。    渐秋阑、雪清玉瘦, 向人无限依依。似愁凝、汉皋解佩, 似泪洒、纨扇题诗。朗月清风, 浓烟暗雨, 天教憔悴度芳姿。纵爱惜、不知从此, 留得几多时。人情好, 何须更忆, 泽畔东篱。

“程译”:

        Tune of Duoli(多丽):  White Chrysanthemum

    Attic cold, night long, down the curtain's drawn behind the pane;

    So annoying is the whistling and rustling of the ruthless wind and rain,

    Battering you all night regardless of your pain,

    Neither like the drunk Concubine Yang Gui Fei, a born beauty,  

    Nor the frowned Sun Shou, a lady bewitchingly tarty.

    How can Han Ling stealing incense for love true,

    And Lady Xu powdering her face for romance be compared to you?

    Observed carefully in nature and spell,

    Qu Yuan and Tao Yuanming match you well;

    Breeze blowing, not less sweet than a wild rose you smell.

     

    When late autumn fades, you' re as thin as jade and pure as snow

    As if showing your infinite reluctance to leave this world so.

    Seemingly with piles of sorrow, for your love you untie your jade pendant

    Like shedding your tears on the silk fan inscribed with poems brilliant.

    Sometimes in moonlight the breeze blows;

    Sometimes in autumn rain the smog flows.

    Heaven lets you with your beauty wither away;  

    Cherishing you deeply, I don't know how long I can make you stay

    If how to love and appreciate we know all,

    Why the two holy poets do we bother to recall.

比较点评:

对“揉损琼肌”的“揉损”,“许译”为“Wrinkle and bruine”,“程译”为“Battering”。

“许译”在此用了一个法语词“bruine”,毕竟许老是英法皆通,掺杂个别外来词也是情理之中。但这也许会给读者带来一定的困惑和不便。对于诗词里出现的几个历史人物,“许译”还是采用意译,而“程译”采用汉语拼音加简短的意译,这是力所能及地传播中华文化;至于“泽畔东篱”,“许译”用“the lakeside poets”,而“程译”用“the two holy poets”。由于前面的译文没有提及,“许译”会使读者一头雾水。而“程译”在前面已提到了两位诗人,所以后面的译文也就顺理成章了;总体上,“许译”的口语味较浓,而“程译”的书面语较浓。我们认为偏向书面语的译文更适合表达中国古诗词特有的含蓄和典雅。

              (38)瑞鹧鸪·双银杏

            风韵雍容未甚都, 尊前柑橘可为奴。

            谁怜流落江湖上?玉骨冰肌未肯枯。

            谁教并蒂连枝摘?醉后明皇倚太真。

            居士擘开真有意, 要吟风味两家新。

“程译”:

          Tune of Ruizhegu(瑞鹧鸪): A Pair Of Gingkoes

        Though natural and graceful, gingkoes look not gorgeously superior,

        While oranges before the goblets appear a bit inferior.

        Who will pity you coming down and roaming high and low?

        Pure as jade and as clean as ice, shriveled you refuse to go.

        Who has picked you on the same stem?

        Like the drunk king leaning on the queen, his gem.

        Let me pull this intimate loving pair apart  

        So we can share their flavour heart to heart.

比较点评:

对“流落江湖”,“许译”为“you planted by the riverside”,而“程译”为“you coming down and roaming high and low”,显然“程译”对“江湖”的解读比较符合原文;就“居士擘开真有意, 要吟风味两家新”,“许译”为“On purpose the recluse puts you apart So you may sing a true love song from heart to heart.”,“程译”为“Let me pull this intimate loving pair apart So we can share their flavour heart to heart.”。两种译文的不同,是因为原文可有不同的解读。此处的“居士”有可能是第三者,也可能是诗人本人。我们感觉“许译”的翻译更为洒脱,更富有浪漫色彩;而对于“新”字谐音所含的“心”意,两种译文都偏向了“心”,这与整首诗词的情感总调是吻合的。

              (39)鹧鸪天·桂花

            暗淡轻黄体性柔, 情疏迹远只香留。

            何须浅碧深红色?自是花中第一流。

            梅定妒, 菊应羞, 画栏开处冠中秋。

            骚人可煞无情思, 何事当年不见收?

“程译”:

          Tune of Zhegutian(鹧鸪天): Laurel Flower

        Quiet, tender, slightly yellow and slightly gray,

        Seclusive and lonely with fragrance you sway. 

        Why should you be of light green and deep red?

        Of all other flowers you are surely ahead.

        Plum blossoms are surely jealous, and be ashamed should chrysanthemums;  

        Inside beautiful garden rails, you bloom matchless in the middle of autumns.  

        Qu Yuan must have been insensitive and even heartless too

        When he wrote the poem of Lisao, why didn't he mention of you.   

比较点评:

“暗淡轻黄体性柔”中的“暗淡”,“许译”用“pale”,“程译”用“gray”。“程译”一箭双雕,既达到了意美,也达到了音美;对“情疏迹远只香留”,“程译”用“Seclusive and lonely with fragrance you sway.”,其中的“sway”很有动感,与上一行的“gray”押韵;就“骚人”的处理,“许译”用“The poet Qu ”,“程译”用“Qu Yuan”,全名的翻译可以让读者有据可查,也是对诗人的尊重。另外“程译”在后面的译文里还加上了“Lisao”,最大程度保留了中华文号的元素。

              (40)南歌子

            天上星河转, 人间帘幕垂。

            凉生枕簟泪痕滋。起解罗衣, 聊问夜何其?

            翠贴莲蓬小, 金销藕叶稀。

            旧时天气旧时衣, 只有情怀, 不似旧家时。

“程译”:

          Tune of Nangezi(南歌子): Feeling

        The milky way rotates, curtain of the human world hanging low;

        The pillow and mat soaked with tears feel cold.

        Getting up at night, my silk robe I unfold;

        I casually ask about the time in slow flow.    

        Shrinking is the lotus seed pod sewn with green threads years ago;

        Getting sparse are the lotus leaves stitched with strings of gold.

        The weather is old and the dress is so,

        Only my feeling is not like those days old.

比较点评:

“人间帘幕垂”应该是指整个人间的幕帘,也就是一整块夜幕。从对应的层次来看,天上的银河和地上的帘幕都是宏观上的对应,如果指挨家挨户的帘幕就把诗人的想象一般化和庸俗化了,另外作者不可能去关注,也不可能看到各家各户的帘幕。夜幕的降临才是诗人当时真正的感受,这本身就是一种很形象的比喻。当然,“许译”的“On earth all curtains are drawn down”有他个人的理解,但“程译”用的“curtain of the human world hanging low”更贴近原意,也更有诗意。“许译”的“Small is the lotus green on the robe I caress, And sparse the leaves embroidered in thread of gold.”在语句上用了两个对应的排比句,其中“sparse”后省略了系动词“are”,和谐而且精炼,堪称佳译。“程译”的“The weather is old and the dress is so, Only my feeling is not like those days old.”也颇有韵味。

            (41)添字采桑子·芭蕉

            窗前谁种芭蕉树?阴满中庭。

            阴满中庭, 叶叶心心, 舒卷有余情。

            伤心枕上三更雨, 点滴霖霪。

            点滴霖霪, 愁损北人, 不惯起来听。

“程译”:

        Tune of Tianzicaisangzi(添字采桑子):Banana Trees

        Who has planted the banana trees before the window?

        Shadows on the whole courtyard their shades cast.

        The whole courtyard their shades shadow;  

        Leaves and buds spread in layers with loving hearts beating fast.

        In grief, I can't fall asleep on the pillow,

        When it rains at midnight with pitter-patter.

        The pitter-patter strike at a northerner's heart with sorrow;

        Not used to it, I get up to be a lonely sitter.

比较点评: 

不知道“许译”在“阴满中庭。阴满中庭”为什么两次都用“please”?看来只是纯粹为了押韵,但含义上和原文毫不沾边,也伤害了原文的语气,这种明显的拼凑只能说是一种败笔;  在翻译“不惯起来听” 时,只译出了“rise”,而最重要的目的“听”被忽略了,这是一个硬伤。显然这首词的“许译”,因韵害意的情况较明显。如果说整个译文最精彩的恐怕就是“It saddens a Northerner who sighs”了。而“程译”在总体上比较忠实原意,就“舒卷有余情”,译文“Leaves and buds spread in layers with loving hearts beating fast.”较有灵气,“with loving hearts beating fast”也耐人寻味。另外的“点滴霖霪”译为“pitter-patter”比“许译”的“Drizzling” 更形象生动。

(注:因版权问题,本文不便直接转载许渊冲的译文,请到该网页https://zhuanlan.zhihu.com/p/478552754  查看对照,顺序不变。)




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