(52)采桑子

        晚来一阵风兼雨, 洗尽炎光。

        理罢笙黄, 却对菱花淡淡妆。

        绛绡缕薄冰肌莹, 雪腻酥香。

        笑语檀郎, 今夜纱厨枕簟凉。

 “程译”:

        Tune of Caisangzi(采桑子): Tonight

        At dusk gusts of wind with showers of rain blow,   

        Washing away the hotness of the day in flow.

        After the Sheng pipe she plays;

        Before the mirror, she does a slight make-up and prays.

        In the silken night-dress red and thin      

        Gleaming is her snow-white skin.  

        With the wafting of intoxicating fragrance light

        To her lover she smiles, "So cold is the bamboo mat tonight!"

比较点评:

        与上一首的一样,“许译”的情美、意美、音美和形美都令人钦佩,美中不足的是“toilet”一词。整体上,“许译”和“程译”都各有千秋。而最后的“今夜纱厨枕簟凉”,“许译”用“The mat in our curtained bed must be cool tonight”,“程译”用“So cold is the bamboo mat tonight!”,该词的最后这句话,决定了整首词的韵味,也是夫妻一夜情爱的序曲。显然“程译”的表达更简洁,语气更暧昧,情感意味更浓,诱惑力更强。关键是,“cool”与“cold”的效果不一样。

        (53)浣溪沙

        髻子伤春慵更梳, 晚风庭院落梅初。

        淡云来往月疏疏。

        玉鸭熏炉闲瑞脑, 朱樱斗帐掩流苏。

        通犀还解辟寒无?

 “程译”:

        Tune of Huanxisha(浣溪沙): Spring Sorrow

        Tortured by the spring sorrow, I’m weary of combing my hairs;

        Evening breeze blowing in the yard, plum flowers begin to fall in pairs.

        Thin clouds float to and fro, casting sparse moon shadow;  

        Incense lies idle in the duck-like censer by the window,

        Flying on the top of the pink tent, tassels hang low,  

        Could the age-old rhinoceros horn still dispel the cold blow?

比较点评:

        记得有一位译家说过:一首诗词的翻译如果用非正常的词序过多,就会影响读者的欣赏,也会减低译文的美感。“许译”里的“My grief over parting spring leaves uncombed my hair”、“In wind-swept court begin to fall mume blossoms fair”和“Unlit the censer and unburnt the camphor stay”的确有反常词序过多之嫌,这也是许老为了押韵所致。“程译”也考虑了押韵,但译文比较流畅。

        (54)浪淘沙

        素约小腰身, 不奈伤春。疏梅影下晚妆新。

        袅袅婷婷何样似?一缕轻云。

        歌巧动朱唇, 字字娇嗔。桃花深径一通津。

        怅望瑶台清夜月, 还送归轮。         

 “程译”:

        Tune of Langtaosha(浪淘沙): Waiting For Her Dear

        With a silk ribbon tied around her slim waist like a rainbow ring,

        A young lady can't help sighing for the heartbreaking spring.

        Amid the sparse plum flower shadows, freshly made-up she appears slender;

        How lissome and graceful does she look? Like a wisp of light cloud so tender,

        With her red lips she sings with each each word coyly and charmingly.

        To the small path hidden in peach-blossoms to the ferry she looks quietly and sadly

        And then turning to the fairy land in the clear moonlight,

        She asks the fairies to keep it for her lover's carriage to come back at night

 比较点评:

        我们发现,许老的诗译比较喜欢用问句,即使原文没有疑问的语气,他也用问句。应该说,许老有意用问句,很多时候是恰到好处的,这样使译文更富情感和亲切感。如,第一句的“素约小腰身, 不奈伤春”,“许译”为“How can your silk-girt waist so slender Bear the grief of departing spring?”似乎没什么不妥。另外,在既能用第三人称,也能用第二人称的时候,许老也多用第二人称。如果对比这首词的两种英译,我们感觉“许译”用的第二人称比“程译”用的第三人称更有感染力。也许“程译”的用词更细腻感人,但都比不上第二人称的感染力。

        (55)浣溪沙

        绣面芙蓉一笑开, 斜飞宝鸭衬香腮。

        眼波才动被人猜。

        一面风情深有韵, 半笺娇恨寄幽怀。

        月移花影约重来。

 “程译”:

        Tune of Huanxisha(浣溪沙):

        Applique on the face, she smiles like a lotus sweetly;

        The duck-shaped hairpin flying aslant in the sun rays

        Makes her cheeks look more comely.

        Her real sweetheart a fluid glance of hers betrays.

        Full of charm is the amorous expression on her face;

        Only by the letter can she send him her love bitterness.  

        The flower shadows dancing in grace

        Give lovers the best moments for snuggling tenderness

比较点评:

        “许译”的另一个特点是把书面的陈述转换成带引号的直白话语,比如,“半笺娇恨寄幽怀。月移花影约重来。”,许老译成了“‘To my regret, ’she writes, ‘you did not keep the date.

        When flowers are steeped in moonlight, don't again be late!’”,就像他对人称的处理一样(能用第一人称就不用第二人称,能用第二人称就不用第三人称),这种转换也是为了亲切感和感染力。从两种译文的对比可以感觉到效果的不同。尽管“许译”的这种处理难免和原文有一定的偏差,但诗译首先考虑的是传神,其次才是达意。整体对照该词的两种译文,“程译”显得四平八稳,但“许译”更有灵气,如,“Her lotuslike fair face brightens with a beaming smile;Beside a duck-shaped censer her fragrant cheeks beguile. But when you see she winks, You' ll guess at what she thinks.”,使人回味无穷。另外,程译的“snuggling tenderness”也很传神。

        (56)转调满庭芳

        芳草池塘, 绿阴庭院, 晚晴寒透窗纱。

        玉钩金锁, 管是客来啥。

        寂寞尊前席上, 唯愁海角天涯。

        能留否?荼縻落尽, 犹赖有梨花。

        当年曾胜赏, 生香薰袖, 活火分茶。

        看游龙娇马, 流水轻车。

        不怕风狂雨骤, 恰才称煮酒残花。

        如今也, 不成怀抱, 得似旧时那?

 “程译”:

        Tune of Zhuandiaomantingfang(转调满庭芳): Those Good Old Days

        Sweet grass floating on the pond, and green trees shading the yard still,

        Twilight peeps through the window screen with chill.

        The crescent moon shines on the gold lock;

        If in the past, there must be friends coming in flock.

        But now, I'm lonely, sitting alone before a cup with tear;  

        So far away from home, I only worry how long I can stay here,   

        Though all wild roses have fallen, luckily, there remain flowers of pear;

        I, once a connoisseur, with sleeves perfumed by incense rare,

        Made tea and poured it for all guests who come and go,

        Eyeing dragons and steeds fly and rivers and carriages flow;

        Not caring about rains pouring down in winds that fiercely blow,

        I still like to warm wine and view withered flowers fall every day.  

        Alas, all those good old days are gone away;

        And river will never flow back anyway.

比较点评:

        该词不少地方可有不同的解读,所以译文的处理也有所不同。就“玉钩金锁, 管是客来啥”,“许译”为“Jade ring and lock of brass, No guest would come”,“程译”为“The crescent moon shines on the gold lock, If in the past, there must be friends coming in flock.”;针对“当年曾胜赏, 生香薰袖, 活火分茶。看游龙娇马, 流水轻车”的逻辑主语,“许译”用“you...with me”和“we”,而“程译”用只用“I”,显然,“许译”的情感更浓,感染力更强;最后的一句“如今也, 不成怀抱, 得似旧时那?”,“许译”用“Gone is the one whom I adore. Could I revive the days of yore!”,“程译”用“Alas, all those good old days are gone away; And river will never flow back anyway.”。对原文的主流理解是:眼下与从前那种无忧无虑的光景,不可同日而语。尽管“程译”更贴近原意,但“许译”出奇制胜,更有灵性。

        (57)行香子

        天与秋光, 转转情伤, 探金英知近重阳。

        薄衣初试, 绿蚁新尝。

        渐一番风, 一番雨, 一番凉。

        黄昏院落, 凄凄惶惶, 酒醒时往事愁肠。

        那堪永夜, 明月空床!

        闻砧声捣, 蛩声细, 漏声长。

“程译”:

        Tune of Xingxiangzi(行香子):Late Autumn

        The sky is brightened with the autumn light,

        While I get sadder as if in a dark night.

        Golden chrysanthemum tells the coming of Double Ninth Day;

        I put on a thin dress, and try the green ant wine in a casual way.

        First a gust of wind blows, and a gust of rain, followed by a flow of cold;

        In the yard in twilight, I have bleak and desolate feelings untold.

        When I sober up, the bygones comes back with more grief and woe;

        How can I stand the endless night, empty bed drowned in moonlight flow!

        Hearing someone pounding clothes afar, crickets chirping faintly

        And the long dripping of the water clock, I sigh slightly.

 比较点评:

        就“闻砧声捣”,“许译”为:To hear the washerwomen pound the clothes, I pine。显然,“许译”忽略了动词不定时短语放在句首表示目的的含义,此处不应该是目的,而是表示原因和伴随,故应把“to hear”改为“hearing”。这种动词不定式的误用现象在“许译”里出现的不少。对最后一句“闻砧声捣, 蛩声细, 漏声长”的翻译,两种译文也是风格迥异,但都各得其所。

        (58)二色宫桃

        缕玉香苞酥点萼, 正万木园林萧索。

        唯有一枝雪里开, 江南有信凭谁托?

        前年记尝登高阁, 叹年来, 旧欢如昨。

        听取乐天一句云:花开处且须行乐。

 “程译”:

        Tune of Ersetaogong(二色宫桃):Fragrant Jade Buds

        In the tender arms of calyxes fragrant jade buds still sleep,   

        When all naked trees in the woods bleak and chilly weep.

        Only one flower stretches out of the snow to smile in glee;

        Who can send this message from Jiangan Shore for me?

        The year before last, I remember,

        We climbed a tall tower together.

        Alas, as if in yesterday, again the joys of yore loom;  

        Bai Juyi did say: make merry while you may where flowers bloom    

比较点评:

        对“缕玉香苞酥点萼”,“许译”为“The fragrant budding flowers look like cups of carved jade”,“程译”为“In the tender arms of calyxes fragrant jade buds still sleep”,相比之下,后者更有灵气,更贴近原意;就“正万木园林萧索”,“许译”用“When garden trees afford no agreeable shade”,“程译”用“When all naked trees in the woods bleak and chilly weep”。“许译”的“萧索”译得不是很到位,“程译”里用“weep”拟人,更形象动人,也与前一行巧妙押韵;至于后半节的翻译,“许译”和“程译”都大同小异。

        (59)如梦令 

        谁伴明窗独坐?我共影儿两个。

        灯尽欲眠时, 影也把人抛躲。

        无那, 无那, 好个凄惶的我。

 “程译”:

        Tune of Rumengling(如梦令):Helpless

        Who' ll sit with me by the bright window ?

        Accompanying me now is my shadow.

        When the light goes out, it will also leave me,

        So helpless, so helpless, how sadly uneasy I’m on a lonely sea.

 比较点评:

        “许译”第一行的“me”与其它尾韵并不对应。对于“无那, 无那”,“程译”的“So helpless, so helpless”比“许译”的“What can I do?What can I do?”更符合原意和意境,“许译”无论是音意或语气都略显生硬;“程译”最后的“on a lonely sea”是一种合理的想象延伸,既有意美,也有音美,更耐人寻味。

        (60)菩萨蛮

        绿云鬓上飞金雀, 愁眉翠敛春烟薄。

        香阁掩芙蓉, 画屏山几重?

        窗寒天欲曙, 犹结同心苣。

        啼粉污罗衣, 问郎何日归?

 “程译”:

        Tune of Pushaman(菩萨蛮): My Faraway Love

        Quivering to fly in my hair is the gold sparrow pin,

        With the brows sadly knitted in spring mist thin.

        My lotus-like figure my bower’s incense smokes drown;

        How many mountains on the screen run up and down? 

        My cold window greets the coming dawn in glee;

        I still have the heart-to-heart jade torch on me.

        Stain my silk robe the tears running on the face powder;  

        "When will you come back to me?" I ask my lover   

比较点评:

        对于第一句“绿云鬓上飞金雀, 愁眉翠敛春烟薄”,“许译”用的两个谓语动词“flies”和“veils”的动感很强,意境也很美。“程译”的“Quivering to fly”也很形象生动;就“画屏山几重”,“许译”的“How many hills are painted on the screen”意味较淡,“程译”的“How many mountains on the screen run up and down?”动感较强,联想较丰富。至于“犹结同心苣”,普遍接受的理解是:同心苣我仍时时佩束在身。“许译”的解读是“Weaving a double heart, none sleeps.”,似乎偏离了原意,而我们认为,许老的理解也不能算错,但用“a double heart”令人费解,而且含义上与“同心”背道而驰;“许译”后面的“with tear on tear”似乎不符合英文表达。

        (61)夏日绝句

        生当作人杰,

        死亦为鬼雄。

        至今思项羽,

        不肯过江东!

 “许译”:

        The  Black  River

        Be man of men while you're alive,

        Be soul of souls e'en if you're dead!

        Think of Xiang Yu who'd not survive

        His men whose blood for him was shed!

 “程译”:

        Hero

        Live a top hero;

        Die a ghost knight.

        Xiangyu long ago,

        Stood fast for his last fight.

 比较点评:

        前面我们比较的都是李清照的词,这里特意加上她的《假日绝句》这首名诗。全诗仅二十个字,无堆砌之弊,以诗呐喊,以诗痛骂,表达了强烈的情感。因此,英译时情感的表达是关键所在,也最具挑战性。“许译”可圈可点,也是众多译文里的经典,但我们认为,由于过于拘泥原作的字眼和背景,许老的译文还是稍长,削弱了应有的语气、情感和韵味。通常越简洁的语句,其情感越强。“如果译者对原文做太多的解释或把原先简练含蓄的诗句译得太明白了,那留给读者的想象空间和再创造的余地就不多或没有了,因此也影响到诗的意境的传递。”(黄国文,2006)。相比之下,“程译”更为简洁,语气更强,情感更浓,项羽巍然屹立的英雄形象跃然纸上。

参考文献:

        1.黄国文. 翻译研究的语言学探索 [M].上海:上海外语教育出版社,2006.

        2.许钧.翻译思考录[M].武汉:湖北教育出版社,1998

        3. 许渊冲. 文学与翻译【M】. 北京:北京大学出版社,2003,12:399-497.

         (注:因版权问题,本文不便直接转载许渊冲的译文,请到该网页https://zhuanlan.zhihu.com/p/478552754 查看对照,顺序不变。)