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李清照诗词英译:“许译”与“程译”比较点评(2)
作者:程家惠  发布日期:2022-09-14 19:15:39  浏览次数:101
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               (10)蝶恋花,

            暖雨晴风初破冻, 柳眼梅腮, 已觉春心动。

            酒意诗情谁与共?泪融残粉花钿重。

            乍试夹衫金缕缝, 山枕斜倚, 枕损钗头凤。

            独抱浓愁无好梦, 夜阑犹剪灯花弄。

“程译”:

        Tune of Dielianhua(蝶恋花): Warm Rain And Gentle Breeze

        Unfreezing the ice are warm drizzles and gentle breeze;

        My heart beats for the blooming plum flowers and sprouting willow trees

        Who will share with me the wine and the poetic sentiment?

        Tears melt the residual face powder, and getting heavier is my face ornament.

        Trying on the blouse sewed with gold threads along the seams,

        I lean slothfully on the pillow, crushing my hairpin flowers.

        Hugging alone the deep sorrow with bad dreams,

        Late at night I scissor the lampwick to kill the painful hours.

比较点评:

“程译”的“Unfreezing the ice are warm drizzles and gentle breeze; My heart beats for the blooming plum flowers and sprouting willow trees”情美、意美、音美;许老对“shower”一词情有独钟,它在他的诗词翻译中出现的频率较高。在译“暖雨晴风”时,许老把“暖雨”译成了“warm showers”,而“warm shower”在英语中多意为“温水澡”,人们对“暖雨晴风”的美好联想更多的应该是“和风细雨”,所以“shower”可能会损害原诗的美感;“程译”用的“Warm drizzles”也许更为贴切,情感更细腻;对于“花钿”的翻译,“许译”用了“hairpin”,这是对该词的误读。“程译”用“face ornament”也许比较模糊,但更贴近原意;对“夜阑犹剪灯花弄”, “许译”用“I can but trim the wick, unable to fall asleep.”,“程译”用“Late at night I scissor the lampwick to kill the painful hours”。我们感觉“许译”更为洒脱传神,“程译”比较拘谨保守。

(11)浣溪沙 

淡荡春光寒食天, 玉炉沉水袅残烟。梦回山枕隐花钿。   海燕未来人斗草, 江梅已过柳生绵。黄昏疏雨湿秋千。

“程译”:

        Tune of Huanxisha(浣溪沙): Cozy Spring

        Cozy spring light caresses the Day for Cold Food;

        In the jade stove panting smoke curls upward from the eaglewood.

        Waking up from a dream, I find my hair flower fallen between two pillows;

        We have played the grass game before the coming of sea swallows.

        Plum blossoms gone, rippling are the swaying willows;

        The sparse drizzles have wetted the swing in the dusk shadows.

比较点评:

就“淡荡春光寒食天, 玉炉沉水袅残烟”,“许译”用的“Spring sheds a mild and wild light on Cold Food Day; Jade burner spreads the dying incense like a spray.”从音韵到意境都是经典,尾韵的“day”和“spray”,以及内韵的“mild”、“wild”、“light”、“dying”和“like”把“音美”发挥到了极致。“程译”的“Cozy spring light caresses the Day for Cold Food; In the jade stove panting smoke curls upward from the eaglewood.”也很有灵性。而对于“残烟”, “许译”用的是“the dying incense like a spray”,“程译”用“panting smoke”,这种拟人手法使意境“有声有色”,更耐人寻味。

               (12)怨王孙 

            帝里春晓, 重门深院, 草绿阶前。

            暮天雁断, 楼上远信谁传?恨绵绵!

            多情自是多沾惹, 难拼舍, 又是寒食也。

            秋千巷陌人静, 皎月初斜, 浸梨花。

“程译”:

    Tune of Yuanwangsun(怨王孙): Late Spring

    Capital’s late spring bright, in deep courtyards with heavy doors, grass grows green before the stair flight;

    No wild geese flying in twilight, who can send his letter to me from the vast sky? What an endless sad plight!

    Cold Food Day coming again with no fire, missing or forgetting him is not easy since more woe will more love invite

    Swings empty and all lanes quiet, with the moon shining aslant and soaking the pear flowers with its light.

比较点评:

“楼上远信谁传?”可以有不同的理解,所以也出现了不同的翻译。“许译”用的是“Who will send from my bower letters for my dear?”,“程译”用的是“who can send his letter to me from the vast sky?”,音信传递的对象正好相反。从常理和渴望的情感来看,主人公更渴望的是得到远方亲人的来信。因此“程译”更符合整首诗词的意境和情感;对于“难拼舍”,“许译”用了“Could I leave him apart?”, 其中的“leave him apart”是否符合英文表达,还有待商榷;至于“浸梨花”的“浸”,“许译”用“drown”,而“程译”用“soaking”,相比之下,“许译”的“皎月”比较“暴力”,而“程译”的就比较“温柔”。

               (13)浣溪沙 

            小院闲窗春色深, 重帘未卷影沉沉。

            倚楼无语理瑶琴。

            远岫出云催薄暮, 细风吹雨弄轻阴。

            梨花欲谢恐难禁。

“程译”:

        Tune of Huanxisha(浣溪沙): In Deep Green

        Hidden in spring’s deep green is the courtyard with idle window, curtains still closed in heavy shadow;

        Leaning on the rails by a willow, I play the zither, with no one I can tell my sorrow;

        Mountains afar hasten dusk to fall with no delay, breezes wafting drizzles with shady clouds made;

        I'm afraid away the pear blossoms will helplessly wither and fade.

比较点评:

对于“春色深”,“许译”是“spring's grown old”,而“程译”是“spring’s deep green”, 显然后者更贴近原意,因为诗人要表达的是绿意盎然,而“old”是对这种意境的破坏。“许译”把“细风吹雨弄轻阴”译为“The breeze and rain together weave a twilight pall”,很有灵气和想象力。“程译”把“倚楼”译为“Leaning on the rails by a willow”,其中的“willow”是一种合理想象的延伸,既达到了“音美”,也达到了“意美”。

               (14)浣溪沙 

            莫许杯深琥珀浓, 未成沉醉意先融。

            疏钟已应晚来风。

            瑞脑香消魂梦断, 辟寒金小髻鬟松。

            醒时空对烛花红。

“程译”:

          Tune of Huanxisha(浣溪沙): Wine

        Say not the cup is too deep and the amber wine too strong;

        I'm not yet drunk but for him my soul has gone.

        Evening breeze comes with chimes far and near;

        Incense fragrance fading, my dream breaks in tear.

        The small gold hairpin fails to hold tight my hair;

        Awake, at the lonely burning candle I stare.

比较点评:

“莫许”的理解也是诗无达诂。“许译”是“Don't”,“程译”是“Say not”,哪一种更好?这需要考虑上下文的关系,也就是跟后面的“未成沉醉”的关系。“许译”可以理解为:别给我倒满酒,我还没醉呢! 而“程译”则理解为:别说我的酒太满了、太浓了,我还没醉呢!显然后者更为合理。对“意先融”的翻译,“许译”的“my heart melts with yearning for him”比“程译”的“for him my soul has gone”更为传神。对“疏钟已应晚来风”,“许译”的“The breeze sows intermittent chimes in evening dim”和“程译”的“Evening breeze comes with chimes far and near”

各有千秋。就“瑞脑香消魂梦断”,“许译”是“The incense burned, my dreams vanish in lonely bed”,而“程译”是“Incense fragrance fading, my dream breaks in tear”,其中的“my dream breaks in tear”更为传神,“情美”更浓。最后的“醒时空对烛花红”,“许译”是“Woke up, I face in vain the flame of candle red.”,“程译”是“Awake, at the lonely burning candle I stare”。相比之下,“程译”的“stare”比“许译”的“face”更生动,细腻。另外从句法来看,“Woke up”用法不规范。

              (15)菩萨蛮

            归鸿声断残云碧, 背窗雪落炉烟直。

            烛底凤钗明, 钗头人胜轻。

            角声催晓漏, 曙色回斗牛。

            春意看花难, 西风留旧寒。

“程译”:

        Tune of Pushaman(菩萨蛮):Swan Geese And The Cloud

        Swan geese flying back no longer give out heart-breaking cry with broken clouds in blue sky;

        Stove smoke rises straightly high and outside the window down the snow flakes fly.

        The dim candle glow makes the phoenix hairpin bright,

        On which the human-shaped jewelries sway so light.    

        The horns hastens the dawn,

        And stars change in positions when daybreak is born.

        Flowers fear to bloom in early spring,

        When loudly the cold west winds still sing.

比较点评:

对于“归鸿声断残云碧, 背窗雪落炉烟直”的处理, “许译”比“程译”简洁,但在意境方面,就“背窗雪落”的理解,“许译”用“Snow falls from window-sill”,而“程译”用“outside the window down the snow flakes fly”。显然,“程译”比较贴近原意。另外,我们一般只说“雪飘落到窗台”,而不会说“雪从窗台飘落”,所以“Snow falls from window-sill”的译法显然是一种败笔。就“角声催晓漏”这一表达,“程译”的“The horns hastens the dawn”不管是音美还是意美都比“许译”的“The horns announce daybreak is near”略胜一筹。另外,“许译”最后两行的尾韵“spring”和“lingering”重轻不对应。

               (16)点绛唇

            寂寞深闺, 柔肠一寸愁千缕。

            惜春春去, 几点催花雨。

            倚遍栏杆, 只是无情绪。

            人何处?连天芳草, 望断归来路。

“程译”:

        Tune of Dianjiangchun(点绛唇): Alone In My Bower

        One heartbeat bearing thousands of strands of sorrow,

        I’m lonely in my bower so hollow;

        Though we cherish spring, it has to leave, however,

        With a few raindrops to hasten the fall of flower.

        Leaning at all railings, still indifferent I seem to be

        Where is he?

        To the sky green grass extends,

        And I look afar to his way back with no ends.

比较点评:

就“柔肠”,“许译”用“heartstring”,“程译”用“heartbeat”,两种译文都通过归化把“柔肠”译成了“heart”,也都起到了异曲同工的效果。“程译”对第一句里的顺序前后做了调整,体现了翻译的灵活性。对“只是无情绪”,“许译”用“To lighten my sorrow, but to no avail”似乎更有灵气,而“程译”用的“still indifferent I seem to be”似乎更贴近原意。至于“人何处?”,“许译”在“where is he?”前加了语气词“O”,更贴近作者的情感。

            (17)念奴娇

            萧条庭院, 又斜风细雨, 重门须闭。

            宠柳娇花寒食近, 种种恼人天气。

            险韵诗成, 扶头酒醒, 别是闲滋味。

            征鸿过尽, 万千心事难寄。

            楼上几日春寒, 帘垂四面, 玉栏杆慵倚。

            被冷香消新梦觉, 不许愁人不起。

            清露晨流, 新桐初引, 多少游春意!

            日高烟敛, 更看今日晴未?

“程译”:

        Tune of Niannujiao(念奴娇): Spring

        Courtyard being lonely, slanting breezes blow with drizzles gently,

        All doors closed tightly.

        Tender willows getting green, flowers blooming in a lovely way,

        With all kinds of weather so annoying, coming is the Cold Food Day.  

        Finishing a poem in risky rhymes, I wake up from tipsiness of wine so good,

        Still not in the right mood.

        Wild geese have flied far away,

        Failing to send him thousands of words I want to say.

        These days, spring chills making my loft cold, curtains hung low,

        To lean on the jade railing I'm weary to go.  

        Quilt turned over cold, incense dead, I wake up from a dream with weep,

        Bearing skeins of sorrow, I have no peaceful sleep.

        Morning dew trickling, phoenix tree leaves growing green,

        How I want to enjoy the spring scene.

        The sun rises high, smoke out of sight;

        Is it another fine day with sunlight?

比较点评:

对“宠柳娇花”的翻译,“许译”的“Favorite willows there, coquettish flowers here”比较直白简洁,而“程译”的“Tender willows getting green, flowers blooming in a lovely way”比较委婉,对“宠”和“娇”的处理,“程译”分别用了“Tender”和“lovely”;就“别是闲滋味”,“许译”用“A different leisure I am enjoying.”,“程译”用“still not in the right mood.”。两种译法难说谁劣谁优,但“闲滋味”肯定不是单纯的“leisure”,诗人闲里含愁,愁里带闲,夹杂着悲欢离合的情感,千愁万绪。而“别是”本身就是一种反问,说明作者本人也不知道自己此情此景的感觉,所以很难有一个好心情;针对“日高烟敛, 更看今日晴未?”,“许译”用“The fog dispersed by sunshine, See if the day will turn fine.”,“程译”用“The sun rises high, smoke out of sight; is it another fine day with sunlight?”。对照来看,“程译”更贴近原文的语气,而且音韵更佳。

 

            (18)庆清朝  幄 

            禁幄低张, 彤栏巧护, 就中独占残春。

            容华淡伫, 绰约俱见天真。

            待得群花过后, 一番风露晓妆新。

            妖娆艳态, 妒风笑月, 长殢东君。

            东城边, 南陌上, 正日烘池馆, 竞走香轮。

            绮筵散日, 谁人可继芳尘?

            更好明光宫殿, 几枝先近日边匀。

            金尊倒, 拼了尽烛, 不管黄昏!

“程译”:

        Tune of Qingqingchao(庆清朝): Peonies

        Low-spreading tents blocking the sunlight direct,

        Peonies owning all the late spring the red enclosing railings protect.

        Each being Heaven’s best make and select,

        All look quietly elegant and stand gracefully erect.

        Refreshed by wind and rain, they jeer charmingly at breeze and moonlight

        And keep Spring God stay longer with delight,

        After all the other flowers fade out of sight.

        East of the town, by the south road, pools and pavilions are caressed by the sun,

        People and carriages streaming in the sea of flowers for fun.

        After the feast and the time for farewell,

        What kind of flowers can succeed them in sending out such tempting smell?

        In the palace where peonies dwell,

        More enchanting are the sprays facing the sun, all blooming well,

        Drink up the wine in the gold cup,

        And leave the dusk alone falling till candles are burned up.  

         比较点评:

针对“就中独占残春”,“许译”为“Alone the peonies glow”,“程译”为“peonies owning all the late spring”,显然“许译”更简洁、更富有诗意,具有动感和色彩的美感。而“程译”似乎很贴近原意,但缺少“许译”的那种灵气;就“一番风露晓妆新”,“许译”用“Steeped in the wind and dew”,而“程译”用的“Refreshed by wind and rain”。“许译”的“Steeped in”似乎更耐人寻味,当然诗译有得有失,这里“许译”失去了对“新”的诠释。我们认为,诗译之所以有魅力和灵气,在于译者“敢得敢失”,可因大失小,不可因小失大。所以,从直觉上,我们还是欣赏这个“许译”;对“正日烘池馆, 竞走香轮”,“许译”为“So many scented carriages run So fleet Towards the poolside pavilions bathed in the sun.”,“程译”为“pools and pavilions are caressed by the sun, people and carriages streaming in the sea of flowers for fun”。“许译”的“bathed in the sun”和“程译”的“caressed by the sun”都各具特色。但“许译”的“Towards the poolside pavilions”搞错了方向,违背了原意。“程译”的“streaming”使人想起了“车水马龙”,更为形象生动。

            (19)摊破浣溪沙 

            揉破黄金万点轻, 剪成碧玉叶层层。

            风度精神如彦辅, 大鲜明。

            梅蕊重重何俗甚?丁香千结苦粗生。

            熏透愁人千里梦, 却无情。

“程译”:

        Tune of Tanpohuanxisha(摊破浣溪沙): Laurel Flowers

        You glitter with thousands of golden dots soft and light,  

        Sheared into layers of green leaves like jade bright.

        With a nature as clear as crystal you’re born,

        Naturally shining and gracefully sparkling on and on.

        Vulgarly plum blossoms bloom with overlapping petals hanging low,

        And showy in crowded clusters lilacs grow

        Your aroma wakes me up from dreams of grief near and far.

        What heartless flowers you are!

比较点评:

就“揉破黄金万点轻, 剪成碧玉叶层层。”,“程译”的“You glitter with thousands of golden dots soft and light, sheared into layers of green leaves like jade bright.”比“许译”的“Your blossoms like ten thousand golden grains so light, Your leaves seem cut from thin sheets of emerald bright,”更有灵气,其中的“glitter”点亮了整句译文,也是整句的灵魂;对“风度精神如彦辅, 大鲜明”,两种译文为了简洁,都采用了意译,都避开了对“彦辅”的翻译和解释;至于最后的“却无情。”,“许译”用“Heartless you seem!”,“程译”用“What heartless flowers you are!”,“许译”的语气比较生硬,而且为了押韵而用的“seem”削弱了诗词的真正情感。

(注:因版权问题,本文不便直接转载许渊冲的译文,请到该网页https://zhuanlan.zhihu.com/p/478552754  查看对照,顺序不变。)




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