当前位置:首页—— 古典诗词

古典诗词

李清照诗词英译:“许译”与“程译”比较点评(3)
作者:程家惠  发布日期:2022-09-14 19:16:55  浏览次数:96
分享到:

            (20)蝶恋花·晚止昌乐馆寄姊妹

            泪湿罗衣脂粉满, 四叠阳关, 唱到千千遍。

            人道山长山又断, 萧萧微雨闻孤馆。

            惜别伤离方寸乱, 忘了临行, 酒盏深和浅。

            好把音书凭过雁, 东莱不似蓬莱远。

“程译”:

        Tune of Dielianhua(蝶恋花): Written To My Sisters

        Thinking of that parting song Sun Pass we sang again and again,

        Tears wet my silk dress with rouge and powder stain.

        Mountains high and rivers far away,

        Listening lonely to the drizzling rain, in a lonely inn I stay.

        Disturbed by the parting grieve as if in hell,

        I don't know how much we drank for the farewell.

        Now I have to send my letters by swan geese;

        Luckily, my place is not so remote as the Fairy Hill on the seas.

比较点评:

“许译”的“人道山长山又断, 萧萧微雨闻孤馆”是“The mountains barring us from view stretch long. How lonely is the drizzling rain A lonely woman in a lonely hotel hears!”,“程译”为“Mountains high and rivers far away, And listening to the drizzling rain, in a lonely inn I stay. ”。显然,“程译”更简洁,而且音美,意也美。“许译”的“hears”是无意的听,而“程译”的“listening”是有意的听。无意和有意决定主人当时的真实情感。我们认为,有意的听才能缓解一个人的孤独和愁闷,本身更能说明这种情感的强烈。另外,“许译”的“A lonely woman in a lonely hotel hears!”既不和前一行押韵,也不和后一行押韵。这在“许译”的诗词翻译中十分罕见,不知是许老的忽略,还是有意为之?

              (21)怨王孙

            梦断, 漏悄, 愁浓, 酒恼。

            宝枕生寒, 翠屏向晓。

            门外谁扫残红?夜来风。

            玉箫声断人何处?

            春又去, 忍把归期负?

            此情此恨此际, 拟托行云, 问东君。

“程译”:

        Tune of Yuanwangsun(怨王孙): Broken Dream

        Dream broken, faintly drips the water clock old;

        The damn wine can't douse my grief deep.

        Silk pillow icy cold,

        Through the emerald screen does the dawn peep.

        Who has swept the fallen petals away?

        The wind last night blowing here.

        Silent does the jade flute stay.

        Oh, where is my dear?

        Again spring gone, the promise have you heartlessly forgot to follow?

        Such love, such hate and such a moment of sorrow

        Only to the clouds I can entrust to ask Apollo 

比较点评:

    对“梦断, 漏悄, 愁浓, 酒恼。”,两种译文都没能保留原文的形式和语气。“许译”用了两个句子,“程译”也用了两个句子,但第一个句子的“Dream broken”至少还有一个逗号作间隔,比“许译”的稍好;就“夜来风”,“许译”是“Last night I heard wind roar”,

“程译”是“The wind last night blowing here”。“许译”中“roar”较为传神;最后的“东君”,许译用“sun”, 跟前面的“one”押韵。“程译”用归化的“Apollo”,主要也是考虑押韵。

              (22)蝶恋花·上巳召亲族

            永夜厌厌欢意少, 空梦长安, 认取长安道。

            为报今年春色好, 花光月影宜相照。

            随意杯盘虽草草, 酒美梅酸, 恰称人怀抱。

            醉莫插花花莫笑, 可怜春似人将老。

“程译”:

          Tune of Dielianhua(蝶恋花): Feast

        Depressed by the endless night, I dream of Changan in vain,

        Still keeping the names of its streets in my brain.

        To requite the charming spring direct,

        Each other the flowers and the moon shadows well reflect.  

        Simple with ordinary dishes is the feast,

        But the wine and sour plums are satisfying at least.

        Laugh not when I get drunk and pin flowers on my hair,

        For a flower like a human being is also a flash of flare.

比较点评:

就“永夜厌厌欢意少, 空梦长安”,“许译”多为意译(How can I find delight On such an endless weary night?),“程译”多为直译(Depressed by the endless night, I dream of Changan in vain),“许译”比较灵活洒脱;就最后一句“醉莫插花花莫笑, 可怜春似人将老。”,“许译”为“Don't laugh when drunk, I pin a flower on my hair!Alas! Spring will grow old with faces fair.”,“程译”为“Laugh not when I get drunk and pin flowers on my hair, For a flower like a human being is also a flash of flare”。这句的“莫”在其他文本是“里”,但不管怎样,该句的含义是:我喝醉了将花插在头上,花儿不要笑我。这样看来,“许译”的“drunk”就变成了“你们这些花喝醉的时候”,显然是把对象弄错了。“许译”最后的“Spring will grow old with faces fair”也有歧义,既可理解为“美好的春天也有老的时候”,也可理解为“春天会老的,但她依然美好”,要避免歧义,最好改为“Spring with faces fair will grow old”。而“程译”的“For a flower like a human being is also a flash of flare”可以说是意美、音美,情也美。

               (23)青玉案 

            一年春事都来几?早过了三之二。

            暗绿红嫣浑可事

            垂杨庭院, 暖风帘幕, 有个人憔悴。

            买花载酒长安市, 又争似家山桃李?

            不枉东风吹客泪!

            相思难表, 梦魂无据, 唯有归来是。

“程译”:

        Tune of Qingyuan(青玉案): Early Spring

        How many spring days come yearly? 

        Two-thirds of it has passed by more early.

        Still as usual, red flowers blooming in layers, with green shades grow the trees;   

        Someone's haggard, when the courtyard willows sway, curtains swinging in breeze.  

        In the capital you can drink wine and buy flowers,

        But are they better than the home peaches and plums of ours?

        Blame not the east wind making strangers weep in Rome,

        With no one to tell their yearning, but only a dreaming soul for returning home.

比较点评:  

对“一年春事都来几?”,“许译”为“How many spring days are gone in this year?”而“程译”为“How many spring days come yearly?”。一去(gone)一来(come),谁是谁非?无论从原文本身,还是下一句的关系,我们认为用“come”为妥;就“浑可事”,“许译”为“What matters”,“程译”为“Still as usual”,都是异曲同工;对“又争似家山桃李?”,“许译”为“Could they surpass peaches and plums in our native bowers?”,“程译”为“are they better than the home peaches and plums of ours?”。我们感觉“our native bowers”并非地道的英文表达,这是许老为了押韵而生硬拼凑的,明显是因韵伤意,因此“home”的译法为好;“许译”把“吹客泪”译为“blowing my tears down”,而“blow sth down”在英语中是“吹倒/吹掉”,但原文的意思应该是:吹得使人落泪。所以“blowing my tears down”也有硬伤。

              (24)菩萨蛮

            风柔日薄春犹早, 夹衫乍著心情好。

            睡起觉微寒, 梅花鬓上残。

            故乡何处是?忘了除非醉。

            沉水卧时烧, 香消酒未消。

“程译”:

          Tune of Pusaman(菩萨蛮): Soft Breeze

        Breeze mild, sunlight soft, and spring comes early with no prelude;

        In a green shirt I’m in a good mood.

        Waking up I feel a little bit cold;

        Plum blossoms on my hair get entangled in a messy fold.

        Where is the hometown of mine? 

        Never will I forget it unless I'm drunk on wine. 

        The eaglewood burns when I sleep, whose aroma has gone away,

        But the wine smells still stay.

比较点评:

“梅花鬓上残”的“残”字“许译”为“faded”。因为不能确定头上戴的是真梅花,还是假的梅花妆,所以“程译”用了“in a messy fold”;就“故乡何处是?”,“许译”用“Where is my native town?”,“程译”用“Where is the hometown of mine?”。从语气和情感上考虑,“程译”也许更好;同样就“忘了除非醉。”,“许译”用“I can’t forget it unless drunken down.”,而“程译”用“Never will I forget it unless I'm drunk on wine.”。“程译”用“Never”带头的倒装句无论从语气还是情感,更能表达原意;就最后的“酒未消”的“酒”,“许译”用“taste”,“程译”用“smell”。此处的“酒”应指酒的气味,而非酒的味道,故用“smell”为好。

               (25)鹧鸪天 

            寒日萧萧上琐窗, 梧桐应恨夜来霜。

            酒阑更喜团茶苦, 梦断编宜瑞脑香。

            秋已尽, 日犹长。仲宣怀远更凄凉。

            不如随分尊前酒, 莫负东篱菊蕊黄。 

“程译”:

        Tune of Zhegutian(鹧鸪天): Homesick

        On the patterned window the lonely sun spills chilly light;

        Phoenix trees should have hated the night frost coldly white.

        Totally drunk, I like the bitter tea more and more;

        Waking up from the dream, the smell of ambergris I adore.

         

        Autumn's gone, but days are still long;

        Worse than Zhong Xuan’s homesickness, desolation cuts me like another sharp edge.

        Better get drunk in wine strong;

        Don't let down the chrysanthemums by the east hedge  

比较点评:

对“酒阑更喜团茶苦”,“许译”为“Deeply drunk, I prefer to taste the bitter tea”,“程译”为“Totally drunk, I like the bitter tea more and more”。这里不应是品茶(taste the bitter tea)的问题,而是以茶解酒的问题,故用“like the bitter tea”为好;就最后的“莫负东篱菊蕊黄”,“许译”的“Don't leave the hedgeside golden blooms Unenjoyed in the glooms!”更为简洁传神;“程译”的“Worse than Zhong Xuan’s homesickness, desolation cuts me like another sharp edge.”的比喻手法更技高一筹,而且还与后面的hedge押韵。

              (26)渔家傲

            雪里已知春信至, 寒梅点缀琼枝腻。

            香脸半开娇旖旎。当庭际, 玉人浴出新妆洗。

            造化可能偏有意, 故教明月玲珑地。

            共赏金尊沉绿蚁。莫辞醉, 此花不与群花比。

“程译”:

          Tune of Yujiaao(渔家傲): Plum Blossom

        Wrapped in snow, an angel has come with the message of spring;

        Dotting the land, on twigs tender and plump, a plum blossom begins to sing,

        With petals half open, charmingly and gracefully,

        Like a naked beauty in the courtyard rising out of water freshly.

        Heaven might have loved her more with delight,

        Which is fondled by the moon clear and bright.  

        Let's raise our goblets full of wine to the blossom flawless,

        Who among all flowers is forever peerless.

比较点评:

就第一句的“雪里已知春信至, 寒梅点缀琼枝腻。”,“许译”为“Herald of spring in winter snow, mume flower, O you Adorn the crystalline branches with rosy hue”,“程译”为“Wrapped in snow, an angel has come with the message of spring; Dotting the land, on twigs tender and plump, a plum blossom begins to sing”。 相比之下,“程译”的“angel”和“sing”比“许译”的更有灵气,更形象,也更耐人寻味。

(27)临江仙 

        庭院深深深几许?云窗雾阁常扃。

        柳梢梅萼渐分明。春归秣陵树, 人老建康城。

        感月吟风多少事?如今老去无成。

        谁怜憔悴更凋零?试灯无意思, 踏雪没心情。

“程译”:

        Tune of Xujiangxian(临江仙): Spring Coming Back

        How deep is this deep courtyard, so elegant and quiet?

        Mist and cloud linger around the bower with doors closed day and night,

        Willows sprouting and plum blossoms budding in twos or threes,

        Spring comes back to the old town with green trees,

        Where I would spend rest of my life with my old knees.  

        How many times I have sung of the moon and the breeze?

        Leisurely, about this scenery nothing I want to write now.

        Who will pity your waning and withering anyhow?

        I'm not in mood for previewing lanterns in rows,

        Nor do I want to stroll in the snows.

比较点评:

就“庭院深深深几许?”,“许译”用“Deep, deep the courtyard where I live, how deep?”,“程译”用“How deep is this deep courtyard, so elegant and quiet? ”。无论是“how deep”还是“so elegant and quiet”都是为了和下一句押韵。从语义和语气来看,“许译”略显生硬,后面的“how deep?”也较唐突和不自然;“人老建康城”的“许译”是“I am old in the eastern town”,“程译”是“Where I would spend rest of my life with my old knees”。“with my old knees”更形象,更有玩味,意美和音美一举两得;“如今老去无成”可有不同的解读,“许译”是“Now old, I've nothing done”,“程译”是“about this scenery nothing I want to write now”。

               (28)如梦令 

            常记溪亭日暮, 沉醉不知归路。

            兴尽晚回舟, 误入藕花深处。

            争渡, 争渡, 惊起一滩鸥鹭。 

“程译”:

           Tune of Rumengling(如梦令): Twilight

        Often I think of the pavilion by the brook in twilight,

        Where we once got lost and intoxicated in the thrilling sight.

        All drunk, returning by boat, deep into the lotus flowers did we stray;

        “Go, go, row the boat!”, a flock of waterbirds we thus startled away.  

比较点评:

从整体上看,“程译”在意美和形美上与原作较自然,贴切。就“争渡,争渡”的诠释,“许译”用的“Get through!Get through!”从含义和表达方式都与语境不符,“get through”的含义是:(设法)处理/完成,也不宜用在祈使语气。而“程译”的“Go, go, row the boat!”不但与语境相符,还有音韵的美,更自然,更传神。

               (29)行香子

            草际鸣蛩, 惊落梧桐, 正人间天上愁浓。

            云阶月地, 关锁千重。

            纵浮槎来, 浮槎去, 不相逢。

            星桥鹊驾, 经年才见, 想离情, 别恨难穷。

            牵牛织女, 莫是离中?

            甚霎儿晴, 霎儿雨, 霎儿风!

“程译”:

        Tune of Xingxiangzi(行香子): Double Seventh Day

        Crickets chirp amid grasses, phoenix tree leaves startled to fall,

        With the day between heaven and earth for the love and hate of all.

        In the sky with cloud stairs to the moon, blocked by thousands of fetter,

        Coming and going by the raft, never can that loving pair get together;

        Only with the magpie bridge can they meet each other once a year.

        Thinking of parting, they pine in grief that will never disappear;

        Still far away from the Weaving Maid the Cow Boy stays?

        Alas, sometimes it shines, sometimes it rains, sometimes it blows hard these days!

比较点评:

“许译”的“Heaven as earth, alas!”在句法表达和句意表达都欠规范;对“甚霎儿晴, 霎儿雨, 霎儿风!”,“许译”用“why is it now fine, Now blows the wind, now falls the rain?”,而“程译”用“Alas, sometimes it shines, sometimes it rains, sometimes it blows hard these days!”。显然,“程译”保持了原文的语义和语气。而“许译”的问句没能较好的回应上文的“莫是离中?”的问题。另外,“许译”的“shed leaf on leaf”在表达和意境上还有待商榷。

               (30)渔家傲·记梦 

            天接云涛连晓雾, 星河欲转千帆舞。

            仿佛梦魂归帝所, 闻天语, 殷勤问我归何处?

            我报路长嗟日暮, 学诗谩有惊人句。

            九万里风鹏正举, 风休住, 蓬舟吹取三山去。

“程译”:

          Tune of Yujiaao(渔家傲): A Dream

        In morning mist, water embracing waving clouds in the sky,

        The Milky Way turns and thousands of sails dance and fly.

        To have returned to the Heaven all my souls seem;

        I hear God asking me kindly where I go in my dream.

        I sigh, my road goes long but dusk has fallen again,

        And I have written all the amazing verses in vain

        In ninety thousand miles of the sky soars the roc. Oh, wind, don't stop,

        Send me, a leaf boat, to the Three Fairies Hills of Peng Pot

比较点评:

就“星河欲转”,“许译”是“The Silver River fades”,而“程译”是“the Milky Way turns”。对于“银河”“许译”采用了异化法,更有利于中华文化的传播,也有利于海外读者了解中国人的思维和想象方式,争取中国人的话语权,这种精神难能可贵。“程译”用了归化法,使海外读者更容易接受我们的翻译。至于“许译”的“fades”和“程译”的“turns”哪一个更好,只能让读者自己感悟;“许译”中的“whirlwind mine”的句法和句意表达有待商榷;对于“蓬舟吹取三山去”可有不同的解读,因此“许译”用“carry my boat to the three isles divine!”,“程译”用“send me, a leaf boat, to the Three Fairies Hills of Peng Pot”。

               (31)浪淘沙

            帘外五更风, 吹梦无踪。画楼重上与谁同?

            记得玉钗斜拨火, 宝篆成空。

            回首紫金峰, 雨润烟浓。一江春浪醉醒中。

            留得罗襟前日泪, 弹与征鸿。

 

“程译”:

          Tune of Langtaosha(浪淘沙): Tears

        The wind outside the screen at dawn blows my dream away.  

        With whom can I ascend the pavilion again today?

        Still I remember poking the fire with the hairpin of jade,

        But the incense has all burned into breeze in the shade.

        When I look back at the Purple Gold Peak, it's veiled in rains and mists;

        Half awake and half drunk, I see spring waves rolling east in turns and twists.

        On my silk dress still remain tears of that saddest day,

        Which I'd leave with the wild geese to send to my dear anyway. 

比较点评:

就“宝篆成空”,“许译”用“now the incense disappears”,“程译”用“the incense has all burned into breeze in the shade”。显然,“程译”的“burned into breeze”更富于灵性,画面感更强,也更耐人寻味;对于“弹与征鸿”,“许译”用“message-bearing swans are far to seek.”,“程译”用“which I'd leave with the wild geese to send to my dear anyway.”。两种译文都难以把“弹”传神地译出。相比之下,“程译”更贴近原意。“许译”比较生硬,感觉“far to seek”在音美上也有欠缺。另外,“许译”的整首诗词的押韵在对称方面有点反常,但对整体诗译和美感影响不大。

(注:因版权问题,本文不便直接转载许渊冲的译文,请到该网页https://zhuanlan.zhihu.com/p/478552754  查看对照,顺序不变。)




评论专区

  • 用户名: 电子邮件:
  • 评  论: