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李清照诗词英译:“许译”与“程译”比较点评(5)
作者:程家惠  发布日期:2022-09-14 19:18:59  浏览次数:81
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               (42)忆秦娥

            临高阁, 乱山平野烟光薄。

            烟光薄, 栖鸦归后, 暮天闻角。

            断香残酒情怀恶, 西风催衬梧桐落。

            梧桐落, 又还秋色, 又还寂寞。

“程译”:

          Tune of Yiqine(忆秦娥): Autumn

        Seen from the high tower, wildly across the wilderness in mist mountains stretch on;

        Veiled in mist, returning crows make no more croak, listening at dusk to the horn.   

        With no more incense and no more wine, much worse do I feel in grieves;

        The west wind is hastening the fall of phoenix tree leaves.

        Leaves from the phoenix trees falling, again returns the desolate autumn.

        And again, it makes me more blue and lonesome.

比较点评: 

“许译”用“the thin mist die”来诠释“烟光薄”,明显也是为了押韵。而这里的“die”无论在意美和音美上都有所不妥。其实,mist本身就是薄雾,前面也没有必要用thin, 因此“程译”的“in mist”用得比较自然。“许译”的精彩之处是:“And hear the horn sadden the evening sky!”和“Incense burned and wine drunk, only my heart still grieves To see the west wind hasten the fall of plane leaves.”,还有最后的几行诗译“Fall the plane leaves;Again the autumn hue And loneliness anew!”也比较传神。而“程译”的最前面两行“Seen from the high tower, wildly across the wilderness in mist mountains stretch on Veiled in mist, returning crows make no more croak, listening at dusk to the horn”比较细腻,贴切。

             (43)摊破浣溪沙

            病起萧萧两鬓华, 卧看残月上窗纱。

            豆蔻连梢煎熟水, 莫分茶。

            枕上诗书闲处好, 门前风景雨来佳。

            终日向人多酝藉, 木犀花。

“程译”:

        Tune of Tanpohuanxisha(摊破浣溪沙): Fallen Ill

        Hairs on my temples getting gray after I have fallen ill,

        On bed, I watch the waning moon hanging at the window gauze still.

        Cardamons boiled into soup, I drink it with not any tea;

        How leisurely it is to read on a pillow somehow carefree,

        With the outdoor scene more beautiful in showers.

        Greeting me all day with fragrance are the laurel flowers.

比较点评:

就“病起”的理解,“许译”为“After illness”,“程译”为“after I have fallen ill”。前者的意思应为病后,也就是病好以后。“程译”应为患了病以后。如果病好了还吃什么药?除非李清照已经把药当饭吃了?显然“许译”是有毛病的;对于“莫分茶”,有人理解为:汤和药一起都倒到碗里,就不用专门过滤为茶水了。也有人理解为:豆蔻药汤性温,茶水性凉,所以喝药汤就不要喝茶水。目前被普遍接受的是后者,但不管怎样,“许译”的解读是“Together with their twigs are boiled cardamon seed;For tea there's no need.”,也就是:熬药时就不用加上茶水了。译文跟原文的差距较大。“程译”是“Cardamons boiled into soup, I drink it with not any tea”,也许比较接近原意。

              (44)好事近

            风定落花深, 帘外拥红堆雪。

            长记海棠开后, 正伤春时节。

            酒阑歌罢玉尊空, 青缸暗明灭。

            魂梦不堪幽怨, 更一声啼鴂。

“程译”:

        Tune of Haoshijin(好事近): Sad Spring

        Wind stops with fallen flowers thick aground;

        Outdoors, red petals heap up in snow all around.

        Do remember that, after begonias bloom,

        Come the days of spring-evoked sorrow and gloom.

        Wine drunk off, songs fading and goblets empty late at night,  

        Flickering blue is the dim lamp light.

        In dreams my hidden woe and bitterness unbearable rise

        But more bitter to hear is the shrike's sad cries  

比较点评:    

就“落花深”,“许译”是“the fallen petals lie so deep”,此处的“deep”明显不妥,因为此处的“深”光从字面去理解显然不通,而现在普遍的认同是“尽凋零”,也就是完全的凋零。“程译”的解读是“Wind stops with fallen flowers thick aground”,也许更接近原意;“许译”的“sing”和“flickering”不是规范的押韵;“许译”的“Unable to bear the grief in dreams, my soul sighs. How can I bear the cuckoo's cries!”比较精彩,而“程译”的“In dreams my hidden woe and bitterness unbearable rise but more bitter to hear is the shrike's sad cries”也不赖。“许译”在同一句的译文里出现了两个“bear”,妥还是不妥,有待商榷。

              (45)永遇乐 

            落日熔金, 暮云合璧, 人在何处?

            染柳烟浓, 吹梅笛怨, 春意知几许?

            元宵佳节, 融和天气, 次第岂无风雨?

            来相召, 香车宝马, 谢他诗朋酒侣。

            中州盛日, 闺门多暇, 记得偏重三五。

            铺翠冠儿, 捻金雪柳, 簇带争济楚。

            如今憔悴, 风鬟雾鬓, 怕见夜间出去。

            不如向帘儿底下, 听人笑语。

“程译”:

    Tune of Yongyule(永遇乐):Lantern Festival

        Floating like melted gold is the sunset glow;

        Like gathering moons the evening clouds flow, 

        Where on earth is the disaster survivor?

        Mist gets denser making willows looking thicker,

        In the air the sad flute melody of "Plum Blossoms Fall" echoes,

        Who knows how much love spring brings with sorrows?

        It's the Lantern Festival, with fine weather and spring message.

        Won't storms in a flash come like cranks?

        To invite me to a banquet, they come in a gorgeous carriage,

        To all these friends of wine and poems I give thanks.

         

        Thinking of the golden days when in the capital I did stay,

        Ladies in bowers more idle loved better the Lantern's Day

        With head flowers made with gold threads dandy,

        We wore feather hats, neatly pretty and cleanly tidy.

        Now with messy hairs and frost on temples, wan and sallow,  

        I'm lazy and afraid to go out at night.

        It's better to hide myself under the curtain of the window,

        Listening to others cheering and laughing outdoors in delight.

比较点评:

就“暮云合璧”可有多种解读,有的理解为:暮云色彩波蓝,仿佛碧玉一样晶莹鲜艳。有的理解为:傍晚的云彩像围合着的明月。“许译”解读为“Gathering clouds like marble cold”,因为“璧”多理解为玉,所以用“ jade marble”也许更佳。“程译”用的“Like gathering moons the evening clouds flow,”也许更富有想象力;另外,“许译”的“I'd rather forward lean Behind the window screen To hear other people's laughter ring.”里面用的是“To hear”表示目的,但用的是却是无意的“hear”,这似乎违反了逻辑。而“程译”用的“listening to”也许更符合原意,更生动;总体来说,“许译”偏向口语风格,“程译”偏向书面风格。

              (46)武陵春

            风住尘香花已尽, 日晚倦梳头。

            物是人非事事休, 欲语泪先流。

            闻说双溪春尚好, 也拟泛轻舟。

            只恐双溪舴艋舟, 载不动许多愁!

“程译”:

        Tune of Wulingchun(武陵春):Twin Streams

        Wind gone, all flowers fallen withered, dusts smelling fragrant fly;

        I'm still not in the mood for combing my hair, sun already rising high.

        Men are no more the same, but things unchanged still remain;

        Before opening my mouth, I have burst into tears of pain.

        Told that spring days in Shuangxi are still nice and bright,

        I also want to go there rowing my canoe small and narrow,

        But worrying that on the Twin Streams the boat light

        Can't bear the heavy weight of my sorrow.

比较点评:   

对“物是人非事事休”的“人非”, “许译”用的是特指“he's no more”,“程译”用的是泛指“Men are no more the same”。两种译法没有对错,只看读者个人的情感经历和共鸣;“许译”的“the grief-o' erladen boat Upon Twin Creek can't keep afloat”意美音美皆有!

                (47)声声慢

            寻寻觅觅, 冷冷清清, 凄凄惨惨戚戚。

            乍暖还寒时候, 最难将息。

            三杯两盏淡酒, 怎敌他晚来风急?

            雁过也, 正伤心, 却是旧时相识。

            满地黄花堆积, 憔悴损, 而今有谁堪摘!

            守着窗儿, 独自怎生得黑!

            梧桐更兼细雨, 到黄昏点点滴滴。

            这次第怎一个愁字了得!

“程译”:

    Tune of Shengshengman(声声慢):  Slow Sad Sigh

            Where is the home for soul

            When it's all bleak and cold,

            With tears of grief and woe?

            Weirdly warm, and weirdly chill,

            Wailing autumn haunts me still.

            Well, how can three goblets of light wine

            Ward off the wind torturing me at night?

            Wild Geese have all flown south far away,

            Who, my old friends, leave my heart ache!

            Withered yellow flowers so piled up

            Would anyone bear or care to pluck?

            Wishfully gazing out of the silent window,

            Wilted, how I can endure the day's sorrow!

            Whipped in pitter-patter into dusk deep,

            Wutong trees in endless drizzles weep.

            Wretched is this moment in hell;

            What just a word "sad" can tell!

比较点评:

李清照的《声声慢》是一首典型的悲情诗,那种迷茫和绝望、那种压抑的情感如何张扬都不为过。我们感觉“许译”过于口语化的译文不适合诗人在该词所饱含的那种幽怨的情调和悲伤的语气。“程译”是一种尝试,在整体情调烘托上主要做了这些相应的处理:首先标题《声声慢》的英译“Slow Sad Sigh”重复使用了“s”的头韵,与标题“声声慢”里那种无奈无尽的叹息的两个“s”音共鸣,像原文一样能在读前引起阅读的期待,读后产生阅读的回味;原诗的“寻寻觅觅,冷冷清清,凄凄惨惨戚戚”里反复重复的音素“i”,徘徊低迷,婉转凄楚,犹如听到一个伤心之极的人在低声倾诉。作为呼应,诗译的前三行都以/ou/音结尾,该音素的重复让译语读者似乎听到诗人绝望的哀叹!从而更深切感觉到词人陷入的无尽痛苦,达到与原诗异曲同工的效果,引出了整首词的哀怨情调;整首诗译采用了“W”的头韵,以表达内心迷茫的“Where”,那种人生无奈地的“Withered”,那种撕心裂肺的“Wail”,那种欲哭无泪的“Weep”和那种人生的“Wretched”,在视觉上形象再现了词人压抑和绝望的心情,与原作的总调一致;“程译”至少在最后的两行“Wretched is this moment in hell; What just a word ‘sad’ can tell!”在情美、意美、音美和形美上优于“许译”的“Oh, what can I do with a grief Beyond belief!”

             (48)生查子

            年年玉镜台, 梅蕊宫妆困。

            今岁未还家, 怕见江南信。

            酒从别后疏, 泪向愁中尽。

            遥想楚云深, 人远天涯近。

“程译”:

          Tune of Shengzhazi(生查子):From Year To Year

        Facing each year the jade mirror on the top of the dresser,

        And making up myself as a plum flower for years, I've got wearier.

        My love still not back home this year;

        To receive bad news from the Jiangnan shore I fear.

        Since he left, I've drunk less;

        My tears have run out in the yearning in excess.

        It's heartbreaking to think of him floating as a cloud far away,

        Who is much farther than the Milky Way.

比较点评: 

“许译”把“妆台”译为“toilets”似乎不雅,特别对现代人来说,会带来不好的联想,而且中国传统的女士妆台的风格应与西方toilet的风格无关,另外“Weary the toilets of mume blossom style appear”也值得商榷,到底是妆台自己显得疲倦还是使人厌倦?weary一般修饰的是人,而且原文厌倦的也是人。也许,许老采用了拟人手法,但似乎偏离了诗人的原意;“许译”的“Since he left, I have drunk less and less wine;Tears melt into grief, more and more I pine.”很经典,“程译”的“It's heartbreaking to think of him floating as a cloud far away, Who is much farther than the Milky Way. ”也耐人寻味。

            (49)殢人娇·后庭梅花开有感 

            玉瘦香浓, 檀深雪散, 今年恨探梅又晚。

            江楼楚馆, 云闲水远。

            清昼永, 凭栏翠帘低卷。

            坐上客来, 尊中酒满, 歌声共水流云断。

            南枝可插, 更须细剪。

            莫直待西楼数声羌管!

“程译”:

          Tune of Tirenjiao(殢人娇): Plum Blossoms In The Backyard

        Slender jades with strong aroma, lasting until snow melts far and near,

        I regret missing again the time for appreciating plum blossoms this year.

        I drift from one tower to another bar,

        Like clouds wandering and rivers running far.

        Days endless, I lean on the railings, looking afar;

        At the banquet with cups full of wine guests come and go,

        Singing songs together like water flowing and clouds floating to and fro.  

        Pick them more before the withering of the sun-facing plum flower;

        Wait not for the desolate Qiang flute echoing from my bower.

比较点评:

对“檀深雪散”,“许译”用了“On sandalwood strewn with white snow”,许老在此把檀香误读为檀木,因而,既没能把“深”字译出,没能把“散”字译出,而且用的“strewn with”把原意推向了反面; 在“To my regret, this year You' re late again to come to view mume flowers.”里,悔恨的也许不应该是“You”,应该是“I”,另外,在“Your guests may come to dine”里的“Your”也应该是“my”,至少也是“our”,因为诗人所写的诗词多是她个人的经历,体验和情感,这样就使得她的诗词更能感人,更易引起共鸣,也更有魅力。后面的“Your songs ”中的“your”也是同样的情况。总之,对象不一样,感染力也不一样;“许译”的“Don't wait till in my western bower I play the flute on the fall of mume flower!”和“程译”的“Pick them more before the withering of the sun-facing plum flower, Wait not for the desolate Qiang flute echoing from my bower”各有精彩之处,但“许译”更为简洁。

            (50)临江仙 

            庭院深深深几许?云窗雾阁春迟。

            为谁憔悴损芳姿?夜来清梦好, 应是发南枝。

            玉瘦檀轻无限恨, 南楼羌管休吹。

            浓香吹尽又谁知?暖风迟日也, 别到杏花肥。

“程译”:

        Tune of Linjiangxian(临江仙): To The Plum Blossoms 

    How deep is this deep courtyard? Clouds lingering by the windows and mist clinging to the pavilion, the late spring always likes to delay.

    For whom you get withered and worn? With the right time for the twigs facing the sun to sprout, only in night dreams together can we stay.

    Play not the sad tunes on the Qiang flute in the south tower when slim and slight you sway.

    How much of your fragrance has been blown off, who knows? Spring breeze, don't come rushing only for the apricots' flowering day.

比较点评:

在没有欣赏“许译”之前,我们没有考虑用“you”来代替“The Plum Blossoms”,在进一步品味和权衡后,我们感觉“许译”用的“you”很高明,不但使情感更浓,译文也更简洁;对“别到杏花肥”,我们认为“许译”的“Don't love the apricot which blooms tomorrow!”对原文有误解,公认的看法是:别一下就让时间来到杏花盛开的时节了。因此,“程译”用了“Spring breeze, don't come rushing only for the apricots' flowering day.”

               (51)青玉案 

            征鞍不见邯郸路, 莫便匆匆归去。

            秋风萧条何以度?

            明窗小酌, 暗灯清话, 最好留连处。

            相逢各自伤春暮, 犹把新词诵奇句。

            盐絮家风人所许。

            如今憔悴, 但余双泪, 一似黄梅雨。

“程译”:

          Tune of Qingyuan(青玉案): Endless Grief

        Galloping for fame in a vanishing dream, don't hasten back so.

        How can I live alone in the autumn wind so bleak with woe?

        Drinking at will by the window bright

        And talking freely in the dim light

        Make it hard for us to tear ourselves apart.

        Every time we meet and part,

        For the falling of dusk aches each heart.

        Chanting poems and appreciating the best lines again and again

        Is our family style highly praised but I'm now so haggard with pain,

        With only two lines of bitter tears falling on my face like the plum rain

比较点评:

 “许译”把“征鞍不见邯郸路”译为“our steed can't see the way to glory vain”,“程译”为“Galloping for fame in a pipe dream, don't hasten back so”,其中的“邯郸路”比喻求取功名的道路;亦指仕途。两种译文都采用了意译; “许译”生造了“willowdown”这个名词,以表达柳絮或垂柳,但我们感觉这个词造得很生硬,既无意美,也无音美,直接用willows不是更好吗?显然许老是为了后面的押韵;就“相逢各自伤春暮”,“许译”为“We meet to grieve over our years on the decline”,“程译”为“Every time we meet and part, for the falling of dusk aches each heart”,两种译文各显神采。对于“最好留连处”,“许译”为“That's the best way for you to stay”,“程译”为“Make it hard for us to tear ourselves apart”。“许译”通俗直白,“程译”委婉含蓄,更耐人寻味;从整体上看,这次的“许译”里,简短的口语少了,形式上与原作也比较对称,诗韵更浓,情美、意美、音美和形美俱佳!

(注:因版权问题,本文不便直接转载许渊冲的译文,请到该网页https://zhuanlan.zhihu.com/p/478552754  查看对照,顺序不变。)




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